Long-Distance

Long distance relationships have always seemed completely insane to me. But that was until I began to question what it is about relationships that I define their success or failure by. I realized that a majority of my decisions on the quality of a relationship were tied to sex. I would like to think that sex is not as important as I judged it to be. Sex is important, of course, but shouldn't emotional attachment and support be so much more so? Isn't sex supposed to function, in some sense, as a reiteration of other things as opposed to a motivation all on its own? And if I view sex as a reiteration am I negating its power to simply be and exist on its own? Sex, to me, cannot be one or the other. I have had sex that was both a reinforcement of a deep emotional attachment and I have had the fast quick sex, or even not so quick sex, that was between two consenting adults who had no more attachment to each other than a mutual desire not to be alone for the night. I do not see anything wrong with having sex within either of these realms of definition. I believe that a lot of my issues existed when I thought that if I loved someone I had to have sex with them. That my love somehow could not be valid if I was not willing or able to share my body with them. Luckily I have begun to disillusion myself and this is largely due to my first serious long-distance relationship. I have never been so in love with someone and been willing to simply accept that I can love someone even though I can't touch them whenever I want and I can't sleep next to them simply because I choose to. It makes it that much more special when I can, but I realized that I can have more emotional support from someone who lives miles away than I could hope to have from those who live here and have slept with me. And that is all the difference in the world. Sex changes in my world a lot faster than emotion could ever dream of. I'm happy that I didn't have to wait most of my life to realize that.

Musical Frustration

So I skipped work and class so that I could go work on music with Chris yesterday. I knew I shouldn't do it but a lot of times I feel like rebelling against what the college society has decided should be my norm. I went to play the music because I hadn't seen him in two weeks and I knew he was feeling neglected. Not to mention the fact that he realized I'm in love with someone else and that always makes him feel insecure. He should know by now that I'm never going to want to be with him again like I was before and that he has formally entered the Hall of Friendship and is there in his own right. I do get things from being friends with him and so I still am. The problem began when he decided to blow me off to go be with someone else. Now, I could care less if he hangs out with other women, as I discussed above, but I do care a lot when he asks me to change my plans for him then does not follow through. Instead he wanted to move the music stuff until today...except he wasn't there when I showed up so I left him a note to tell him I was really busy with other stuff and that if he wanted to get in touch with me he'd have to work around that. I have fifteen hundred things to do and I don't appreciate being blown off. Blowing me off is pretty much saying that you don't respect me and you don't think my time is important. I know that I'm bad about doing that to other people, but it's different because I don't just completely blow them off...I usually try to let them know and have a reason for it. *sighs* Plus he's not supposed to treat me like that because he's not important enough in my universe for me to keep coming back. I suppose if he wants to be my friend he'll get his shit together and if he doesn't, it's no big loss to me.

Secondary Definitions

I asked myself today what being a secondary meant to me...what it really meant to anyone else either. I have been a secondary for a couple of relationships and it's never easy for me. I find that I usually get included in a couple. I'm relatively self-sufficient when it comes to relationships; I don't require huge chunks of time or huge emotional committments. I am much more capable of taking care of myself than someone else is. I think this is healthy and I don't really have a desire to change it. This makes me attractive to couples because, I would hope, my addition to a relationship should meld easily without causing too many bumps along the road. I don't want to depend on someone who has built their life plans with someone else. It's not that I don't want to be involved with them it is simply that I am realistic. They built their life plans with that person for a reason and I have no desire to manipulate those plans. But I often feel within a relationship where I am secondary that I am expected to "pick up the slack" of the primary relationship. While I don't mind facilitating communication, I am not there to have sex with you because your wife is busy. Even more so, I am not there to provide the emotional support you feel like you are not getting from your wife. I should not be a stand in. I am more than that and I deserve respect. I will give you affection because I feel as if I want to...not because I feel as if you want me to. I have no problems having emotional attachments to you and having a relationship that reflects that. But do not expect me to love you. Do not expect me to count you as my first priority in how I plan my life and my time. If I wanted you to be my first priority I would try to establish a primary relationship with you. I get frustrated when I feel as if I am expected to contribute on a level that I would not choose myself. I became your secondary just as much as you became mine and just because you are the person also in a primary relationship does not give you more say about how our relationship should be maintained. If my needs are not met it is just as big of a deal as if your needs are not met. Do not try to make me feel as if I must compete with your wife and family for your time. If you want to see me, then see me, but do not make me beg for your attention and time. I deserve more respect than for that to happen and I would in no way want to take away time that you feel belongs to your primary. I do not want to be one of your top priorities, I want to be important, but I know that I do not have the time/desire to fufill a majority of your needs and wants. On the same token, do not expect me to give you time I have designated for my other relationships. I will not drop plans with other people for you. And I really don't think it's fair for you to ask me to. What it really boils down to is acceptance: accept the fact that just because we are not primary does not mean that I should be treated like I am unimportant, accept the fact that unless we state otherwise we have no intention of becoming primary and as such we should have no problems when telling each other that we have other obligations and cannot fulfill certain needs we each have, accept that I may never love you and that I'm fine with that, accept that I do not want to compete with your family and have no problems taking a back seat to more important issues, accept the fact that because we do not deal with all of the problems that come with being primary we also do not get all of the rewards of being primary.