eiblyn | Secondary Definitions (Reply)

I asked myself today what being a secondary meant to me...what it really meant to anyone else either. I have been a secondary for a couple of relationships and it's never easy for me. I find that I usually get included in a couple. I'm relatively self-sufficient when it comes to relationships; I don't require huge chunks of time or huge emotional committments. I am much more capable of taking care of myself than someone else is. I think this is healthy and I don't really have a desire to change it. This makes me attractive to couples because, I would hope, my addition to a relationship should meld easily without causing too many bumps along the road. I don't want to depend on someone who has built their life plans with someone else. It's not that I don't want to be involved with them it is simply that I am realistic. They built their life plans with that person for a reason and I have no desire to manipulate those plans. But I often feel within a relationship where I am secondary that I am expected to "pick up the slack" of the primary relationship. While I don't mind facilitating communication, I am not there to have sex with you because your wife is busy. Even more so, I am not there to provide the emotional support you feel like you are not getting from your wife. I should not be a stand in. I am more than that and I deserve respect. I will give you affection because I feel as if I want to...not because I feel as if you want me to. I have no problems having emotional attachments to you and having a relationship that reflects that. But do not expect me to love you. Do not expect me to count you as my first priority in how I plan my life and my time. If I wanted you to be my first priority I would try to establish a primary relationship with you. I get frustrated when I feel as if I am expected to contribute on a level that I would not choose myself. I became your secondary just as much as you became mine and just because you are the person also in a primary relationship does not give you more say about how our relationship should be maintained. If my needs are not met it is just as big of a deal as if your needs are not met. Do not try to make me feel as if I must compete with your wife and family for your time. If you want to see me, then see me, but do not make me beg for your attention and time. I deserve more respect than for that to happen and I would in no way want to take away time that you feel belongs to your primary. I do not want to be one of your top priorities, I want to be important, but I know that I do not have the time/desire to fufill a majority of your needs and wants. On the same token, do not expect me to give you time I have designated for my other relationships. I will not drop plans with other people for you. And I really don't think it's fair for you to ask me to. What it really boils down to is acceptance: accept the fact that just because we are not primary does not mean that I should be treated like I am unimportant, accept the fact that unless we state otherwise we have no intention of becoming primary and as such we should have no problems when telling each other that we have other obligations and cannot fulfill certain needs we each have, accept that I may never love you and that I'm fine with that, accept that I do not want to compete with your family and have no problems taking a back seat to more important issues, accept the fact that because we do not deal with all of the problems that come with being primary we also do not get all of the rewards of being primary.