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So he called me....I haven't heard from him in a long time and I was almost over him so of course he had to call. At work...no less. And so I got flustered when I heard him on the phone and went down to spend my lunch hour and next thing I know I'm the thing on the menu.

That was all good cuz then I went back to work and didn't see him again until that night. Went to a party and there he was...sex walking...and he was entirely focused on me. I played it a little cool and next thing I know I'm going home with him. And we had an amazing night.

But the next day we rolled over looked at each other and BAM!!!! I fell again. It's horrible to roll over next to him and feel that tug in my heart strings that I know he doesn't feel.

And then to walk away and realize that I only love him when I'm in his arms...that makes me feel horrible. How do you love someone only in the minute? How can I just disconnect like that? it makes no sense and I'm not sure I like myself anymore if I can do that.
eiblyn: (Default)
So I'm going to Ft. Knox on Friday...I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. But I'm going. And all my exboyfriends are going to be there so it's going to be a little weird. Especially since they all still care about me. I don't want to sleep with any of them so I have to be careful with my flirting. I always did it without thinking before.

This tent party sounds like it's going to suck. It's going to be Matt fucking his new girlfriend and the rest of us just sitting around doing nothing. They want me to bring my guitar but I'm nervous about playing in front of them. I've been writing some new songs and so I am not sure how well they will go over.

Mostly I'm afraid to meet Matt's new girlfriend and for her to be gorgeous. I don't want to think that he is sooo much more happy than I am. I want us to both be happy or both be miserable, or I get to be the happy one. *smile* So maybe I'm selfish.
eiblyn: (Default)
Lots of things are on my mind today and I'm not sure that I like them all being there. I feel like my brain is a pea in some split pea soup.

Leah and I went to hear the poet and he was really awesome. It was nice to sit and talk to Leah and Luke and some others. I'm attracted to Leah but it seemed like we were really connecting on more of a friend level than on a romantic level. That's probably for the best because she is going to Costa Rica this summer and Ecuador for fall term next year. But she told me that Chris is talking about just picking up his stuff and moving. And that bothered me a lot. Chris and I had just gotten to the point where we had closure and had decided to be friends again. We spent some time together the other night and worked everything out. But to think of him just picking up and leaving really hurts because I can't imagine this place without him here. I don't understand why it hurts because I don't love him anymore but he is still important to me for some reason.

Stewart flirted with me today. I think that was a good thing. It's nice to have someone to go on dates with when you just need a date to make yourself feel beautiful. Sometimes I'm so confused about my feelings because I have sooo many relationships all at once. I have Amy, Conan, and now I think I have something with Stewart, there's this thing with Wallyworld and I don't know how things are going with him.

Speaking of Wallyworld, he asked me to go to a pretend wedding reception tonight and I'm going to go. I'm not sure how that is going to make me feel but I hope that everything works out well. I really do love him. It's not the romantic kind of love I don't think...it's more of the "we're so close" kind of love...kind of like siblings...but we were also lovers...sounds really incestous but it's really just confusing. I don't even think we know what we want. He told me last night that I am a "work-in-progress" and he doesn't get in relationships with people like that. It didn't offend me that he doesn't see me in that kind of light because I don't see him in that kind of light either. But I did get really upset because he acted as if he was a complete person.

I'm planning to read some poetry tonight at an exhibition. I'm excited but it's hard for me to decide what to read. Maybe I'll write something new for the occasion.
eiblyn: (Default)
wrote the guitar music to a song I wrote the lyrics for a long time ago. It sounds pretty good and I really like it. I'm starting to experiment a little more with chords and just put my fingers on the strings to create different sounds. I'm just sorta making things up and not paying attention to protocal I suppose.

I read this book on the way down to Texas that was talking about consciousness-raising groups that they had in the 70s and I want to try and get one of those together. I'm writing a paper on the feminist religious movement. And so I've been looking at my own life and looking at the things I'm reading and trying to find a way for it to correlate because I've been experiencing some really awesome stuff.

I asked someone on a date today. At least I think it was a date. She's really sweet and we hung out a lot together at parties and stuff and she likes the music I write. We are going to hear a poet tomorrow at lunch and that should be fun. She's really pretty and I'm attracted to her a lot but she is about to go away for the summer and next semester so we couldn't develop a relationship and I'm not sure we would want to....I think it would be great if we could just become part of this awesome group of friends.
eiblyn: (Default)
I'm leaving today and heading to Texas on Greyhound. I've never ridden the bus before so it ought to be an interesting experience to say the least. And it's an overnight trip. I'm taking books to read and stuff but I'm still a little nervous.

Ames and I had a big break down last night. We have a semi-relationship, but it isn't like me and Obnan. Aes is engaged to someone else and I have Obnan. But we are drawn to each other and we're there for the lonely times. I love her, but it's kind of a different kind of love. She makes me feel secure in myself and she thinks that I am beautiful. I think she is too...but I think I have a harder time thinking of myself as beautiful than she does. I try not to get too close to her because I have feelings for Obnan and I don't want him to get hurt and I don't really do well in relationships where there are more than two people and so it's hard to deal with the other people in her life.

But I miss my Mom a lot right now and so I'm really glad I get to go spend some time with her. I love her sooo much and it's really hard living so far away. I wish I could just go home whenever I want to. It's sooo expensive to go home. And everyone in my dorm gets to see their parents except for the international students.*sigh*
eiblyn: (Default)
*sings*Country roads take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia Mountain Momma
Take me home....

Well...it was a unique week filled with lots of confusioin a prophetic fortune cookie and eggs. I got a letter from Obnan today which was good. I started writing back and stuck a poem I wrote about me and him in there. Everything seems like it is going so fast. I worry about all kinds of things and never seem sure from one moment to the next of what's going on. I met all of Wallyworld's friends in West Virginia and some of them were cute. We ate Chinese food and my fortune cookie said that sometimes a good friendship is more important than a passionate romance. Which seems to be the story of my life...I always seem to fall for people who just want to be my friend. I miss my parents....they always seemed to make me feel better about the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend or that my boyfriend was an immature jerk who didn't really care about me. *Sigh* Welcome to adulthood I suppose....But I'm in love with Obnan who is half a world away and my nights are so lonely. I choose not to sleep with anyone because I don't want empty sex with no emotions and I don't want to be the girl who is convenient. I miss the time when the only people who touched me were in love with me.


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April 2015

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