Walking My Path

So today is my last day of my freshman year of college...Aren't I supposed to feel more grown-up? Isn't this supposed to be one of those days that I remember for the rest of my life? Why does it feel so unimportant and mundane? The only thing different is that I have that same fear in the pit of my stomach that I had when I was a senior in high school and I was graduating that night. It's this fear that I'm growing up too fast. I don't know how to make the fear go away and somehow it just keeps growing and growing. I guess maybe I am afraid that I will get old and then be disappointed in everything that I've done with my life.

Lots of things are on my mind today and I'm not sure that I like them all being there. I feel like my brain is a pea in some split pea soup.

Leah and I went to hear the poet and he was really awesome. It was nice to sit and talk to Leah and Luke and some others. I'm attracted to Leah but it seemed like we were really connecting on more of a friend level than on a romantic level. That's probably for the best because she is going to Costa Rica this summer and Ecuador for fall term next year. But she told me that Chris is talking about just picking up his stuff and moving. And that bothered me a lot. Chris and I had just gotten to the point where we had closure and had decided to be friends again. We spent some time together the other night and worked everything out. But to think of him just picking up and leaving really hurts because I can't imagine this place without him here. I don't understand why it hurts because I don't love him anymore but he is still important to me for some reason.

Stewart flirted with me today. I think that was a good thing. It's nice to have someone to go on dates with when you just need a date to make yourself feel beautiful. Sometimes I'm so confused about my feelings because I have sooo many relationships all at once. I have Amy, Conan, and now I think I have something with Stewart, there's this thing with Wallyworld and I don't know how things are going with him.

Speaking of Wallyworld, he asked me to go to a pretend wedding reception tonight and I'm going to go. I'm not sure how that is going to make me feel but I hope that everything works out well. I really do love him. It's not the romantic kind of love I don't think...it's more of the "we're so close" kind of love...kind of like siblings...but we were also lovers...sounds really incestous but it's really just confusing. I don't even think we know what we want. He told me last night that I am a "work-in-progress" and he doesn't get in relationships with people like that. It didn't offend me that he doesn't see me in that kind of light because I don't see him in that kind of light either. But I did get really upset because he acted as if he was a complete person.

I'm planning to read some poetry tonight at an exhibition. I'm excited but it's hard for me to decide what to read. Maybe I'll write something new for the occasion.

I'm leaving today and heading to Texas on Greyhound. I've never ridden the bus before so it ought to be an interesting experience to say the least. And it's an overnight trip. I'm taking books to read and stuff but I'm still a little nervous.

Ames and I had a big break down last night. We have a semi-relationship, but it isn't like me and Obnan. Aes is engaged to someone else and I have Obnan. But we are drawn to each other and we're there for the lonely times. I love her, but it's kind of a different kind of love. She makes me feel secure in myself and she thinks that I am beautiful. I think she is too...but I think I have a harder time thinking of myself as beautiful than she does. I try not to get too close to her because I have feelings for Obnan and I don't want him to get hurt and I don't really do well in relationships where there are more than two people and so it's hard to deal with the other people in her life.


But I miss my Mom a lot right now and so I'm really glad I get to go spend some time with her. I love her sooo much and it's really hard living so far away. I wish I could just go home whenever I want to. It's sooo expensive to go home. And everyone in my dorm gets to see their parents except for the international students.*sigh*