Lately...

[eiblyn]

So I haven't been writing with any sort of real seriousness lately because I've been really depressed. It's not so much an open thing as the kind of depression that you harbor in your soul and don't talk about so much. I'm having to face that a lot of the assumptions I had made about my life were not really well made. I keep thinking that in the end people are all good and they won't try to hurt me...and while they don't try that doesn't mean that I end up any less hurt. I'm the kind of person who always puts my thoughts and feelings last because they are not the things I give priority to in my life. I know that I can survive being unhappy because a large portion of my life has been spent that way but I don't want to push other people to feel that way. I can't even make assertions for my needs at times because I don't want to 'inconvenience' people. I work so hard to be open about how I feel but I realized that people can't really handle that. People can't handle it when I look at them and tell them that I'm hurting because of actions they took/did not take. I'm so tired of telling people that I'm in pain and then feeling like I need to comfort them instead of being comforted myself...I have spent so much time crying lately when no one knows because I don't want everyone/anyone to see me upset and hurting. Add that to the fact that I'm PMS'n and life is not happy. I miss therapy.

Comments

[stormlight811.livejournal.com]

Ouch! Sympathies, and God I wish I didn't empathize with what you're describing quite so well. It's three times as hard to be right as to be wrong, because when one is wrong, at least one has a clear something-to-be-made-right sort of mission statement. If one is right...oh yuck. Um, if you haven't already, please go back in my LJ and read the first "Pain" entry? I think it's about five back from the current one. "Floundering helplessly" comes to mind. I think we have a solution now, but I don't -feel- any better. I do hope you feel better, and soon. Love and comfort to you!