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I have never viewed myself as particularly feminine. In fact, that seems to be something that my mother has discouraged in me. But I never truly saw this as a problem until my women's studies class. Suddenly I am faced with the fact that every quality I see within myself that I admire I associate with being masculine. For some reason I think certain emotions are weak and so I rebel against them.
Crying is the bane of my existence at many times. I struggle so hard for people not to see me cry because I feel as if it makes me appear incapable of taking care of myself. Why is it that I feel like self-sufficient people don't cry? Why do I feel as if adults don't cry and by allowing myself to cry I'm being childish? Why do I try to hide my feelings of hurt and loneliness from everyone around me?
I am a dominate person. But somehow in my personal programming I decided that in order to be dominate I had to be masculine. And so I feel lost as if I must forsake everything that is pretty and girly in order to be in control of my life. I even have two different kinds of soap...one kind is Old Spice and one is scented like roses. I have two kinds of shampoo...one is unscented and one smells like vanilla. Often it feels as if I have two different parts of me warring over what I am going to be. I even see it in my relationships some. When I am attracted to women we are either equal or I am dominant. But with most of the men I have ever been with I have always made myself submissive in my lifestyle. It's never a conscious choice...it just happens. And then I'll wake up next to a man one morning and realize that neither of us are happy because I am not the woman he was attracted to (i.e. strong and independent) and that I am miserable because I am not being myself. I feel as if I'm trying to forsake my womanhood and live a life that is gender neutral. I keep my hair short and hide my body a lot. I often smell like a man and even when I use girl soap and girl shampoo I still use men's deodorant. I struggle to be emotionless in any emotion I deem weak or negative.
Most importantly...I want to stop. I want to find a way to be ok with being a woman. I want to find a satisfaction in myself that I don't think I've really known. I want to look at myself and think that I'm beautiful because I'm a woman not in spite of being a woman.
Crying is the bane of my existence at many times. I struggle so hard for people not to see me cry because I feel as if it makes me appear incapable of taking care of myself. Why is it that I feel like self-sufficient people don't cry? Why do I feel as if adults don't cry and by allowing myself to cry I'm being childish? Why do I try to hide my feelings of hurt and loneliness from everyone around me?
I am a dominate person. But somehow in my personal programming I decided that in order to be dominate I had to be masculine. And so I feel lost as if I must forsake everything that is pretty and girly in order to be in control of my life. I even have two different kinds of soap...one kind is Old Spice and one is scented like roses. I have two kinds of shampoo...one is unscented and one smells like vanilla. Often it feels as if I have two different parts of me warring over what I am going to be. I even see it in my relationships some. When I am attracted to women we are either equal or I am dominant. But with most of the men I have ever been with I have always made myself submissive in my lifestyle. It's never a conscious choice...it just happens. And then I'll wake up next to a man one morning and realize that neither of us are happy because I am not the woman he was attracted to (i.e. strong and independent) and that I am miserable because I am not being myself. I feel as if I'm trying to forsake my womanhood and live a life that is gender neutral. I keep my hair short and hide my body a lot. I often smell like a man and even when I use girl soap and girl shampoo I still use men's deodorant. I struggle to be emotionless in any emotion I deem weak or negative.
Most importantly...I want to stop. I want to find a way to be ok with being a woman. I want to find a satisfaction in myself that I don't think I've really known. I want to look at myself and think that I'm beautiful because I'm a woman not in spite of being a woman.
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So insightful
Date: 2004-03-04 04:23 pm (UTC)From:I think to bring yourself more full circle (do I wanna use that term, well yea not another good one right now) you could really try to embrace the parts of you that make you feel weak. Drink in the other and make it part of you. I THINK that excluding any part of us can make us kinda lop-sided. You are who you are. You can't forsake what is there, learn about it and incorporate it. You can be a strong you and still be fem. You just gotta shake off the programed gender identity crap you have stuck in your head (cause some fem chics who express love in traditionally viewed subserviant ways could kick our colective asses). If you truely aren't a certain way, then fine. But to not be the way you are just cause you don't like a aspect of yourself is akin to self hate, which is never good.
I find I have my days in both camps and try not to worry too much about it. I think you will be more comfy with your self the longer you are you. Also, from what I have read I must ask...Are you chooseing to look a certain way to be more of a certain way? ie: is there a you that you aren't being because you have decided that it carries a conotation to the outisde world or you that you don't like? My mantra is pretty much "fuck them this is who I am and I am the only one who has to be comfy with it."
XO,
GirlCat