eiblyn | Quiet Contemplation

My house is really chilled. I opened all the windows. I just couldn't stand the stuffiness of the house. I made a pot of tea today. But I've had to drink it so slow that it's cold. I've been heating up each cup in the microwave.

I was thinking today about life. I am horrible at making goals and getting to them. I think part of it comes from a disillusion as to how achieving your goals feels. I had said I was going to take at least a year off after college and remember how to be human again. And bake bread. I bought a cookbook that was all about baking bread. Different kinds of breads. I read the first chapter so many months ago and it has sat on my shelf until today. I wonder what I have really remembered and who I have become. I certainly am not that woman I was at graduation.

I worry that I spend so much time waiting that I am forgetting to live. Although I have been working at life. Having a baby kind of makes that happen for you whether you want it or not.

I smile much more now than I used to. Seeing my child makes me smile. Her smiles that she shares with me inspire me to smile back. Sharing with her makes me feel much better in a way I didn't know existed. I mean, I was a whole complete person without a baby. But I am a different whole complete person now with a baby. It is fascinating. I'd like to think I'm a good mom. But I think all moms do. I struggle with her sometimes. But most of the time, I try to just remember she is her own little person and has her own thoughts and feelings. I do need to work harder at spending less time on the computer and more time interacting with her or reading. That sounds silly, but computer absorbs me in a way that a solid book doesn't.

I think what I'm really learning is how to be ok day to day. I haven't taken St. John's Wort since

elvnsword left from his visit. I can't tell you how much of a victory that feels. I have been battling depression with medication for the last three years. But I am ok now. I feel like I can take it when I need it and when I don't, I don't. The freedom there is really one of the biggest differences for me. I no longer have any guilt or fear about asking for help.

I am slowly learning to be spiritual in my every day life. Sometimes all the time and energy I have is for a thought or two. But I am working at it much more than before. When I think of my ideal person that I want to be, spirituality is a big part of it. It helps to have a guideline and goal that I am working towards. It also helps to be becoming a mother. For me, it is a very spiritual thing to take on the role of guiding and teaching another person and parenting is that and more. *laughs* That sounds like a bunch of new age hooey.

I am working to discover the simple pleasures in my life. Things like the sound of wind chimes or the taste of a homegrown tomato. In that, I am healthier than I have been in quite some time. After having the baby, I lost fifty pounds. I have remember the pleasure of walking. I have remembered the joys of eating simple, well-prepared meals. I am learning to savor sweetness rather than always expect it. I am learning to appreciate the subtlety of organic versus commercially grown food. And I am learning to coax my own soul of its shell. Food has long been my enemy, my lover and my sordid companion. But now I am learning that people can fill the gap that food always has before.

It is scary to be intimate with people. Especially when I mean emotionally intimate. I share much more with people than I ever have before. I am not ashamed of who I am; I do not lie anymore. I do not worry my friends will leave me if I cry; or that they will if I don't cry. I am more discerning now with who I trust but more completely open. It feels good.