eiblyn | Oct. 11th, 2004

Loneliness hit me tonight full-fledged in the chest. I cried my eyes out...and it didn't help. I held myself and stroked my own hair. I tried to pretend that the pillow I was curled up to was a chest....But it wasn't.
And nothing I did could change that...I screamed. In the end I cuddled with my vibrator because it was the closest thing to a lover I could have. Honestly, I spend far too much time being physical with that tube of circuitry and wires and not enough with anyone flesh and blood.
The loneliness just wells up in my throat and I swear it begins to cut off my oxygen. It takes all of my fears and magnifies them...it reminds me again how long it's been since I've curled up with another human being and fallen asleep to the feel of their breath on the back of my neck. Someday, I will never have to sleep alone again. But that is not today.

Today has been a much better day. I still have a few papers to write...although they shouldn't take that long to be honest. I've already worked at the library today and I'm almost done with this pay period...which makes me happy because that check will come in right before OVFF....I picked up Jim's birthday present today and it looks as cool as I had hoped it would. Today J and I have been dating for 11 months...wow does that seem like a long time and a short time all at once. I need to get prepared to order from the co-op in two weeks...so that means looking over the catalogue tonight and deciding what to order. Mid-term grades go up this week. I remember something today that totally cheered me up. My GPA may drop from this semester but I have my internship grade and short term to bring it back up. I'm hoping that will work out well. I also talked to a friend of mine today about a job in Boston for the summer. Last May he had given me an application for a place that teaches immigrant children during the summer. That sounds like something I would completely love and is right up my alley. I've been missing service projects to some degree because I'm just too busy during the term to do things like that. In other news, I picked up another free book from the library...it's called Slackjaw and it's by Jim Knipfel. I'll post later about it but at the moment it's intiguing me muchly.