Home Adventures 1

I arrived yesterday at the airport and my parents were both there. It was great to see my Dad and get to hug him and stuff. We went to lunch at the Olive Garden and that was a lot of fun. I love spending time with just the two of them and joking with them and being able to interact on an equal level.

We got home and I talked to Jim for a bit to let him know I made it ok and then I took a nap. My brother came home shortly after that and it was nice to see him. I can't believe how grown-up we are...it seems like the older we get the further we move apart though and I miss the times when I was in high school when I would go lay in bed with him late and night and talk about all the things that I was thinking about the world at the time. We don't have those moments anymore and that's what I really miss the most.

He's enlisting in the army...on Monday. He's going Special Forces...that's extremely scary for me and I don't know how to deal with it. I always knew he was going to join the military but I never wanted to think about him picking such a dangerous job. If I had thought about it a lot I would have known though because he always was one to take the hardest job.

Anyway, so last night Brad took me to a basketball game with his friends and introduced me to all of his friends. I felt really out of place. My brothers friends were all really nice to me but I knew the only reason they would ever have talked to someone like me was because I was related to Brad. It's a little strange to deal with and always makes me feel a little self-conscious. Not to mention they are all gorgeous, beautiful men that I was attracted to. SO I felt even more out of place because I'm used to attracting people to me with my intelligence and humor and that didn't really have a place there because we had nothing in common. Not that they would see me as anything other than B's sister and that bothers me. I like to be defined by my own merits and that would not happen here. I feel so lonely. Other people, when they go home, have friends. I have to borrow them from my brother. And I feel the need to be a different person.

This may shock everyone but when I was in high school I was a lot different than I am now. I was egotistical and had a big attitude. People didn't fuck with me because they were afraid of my temper. Now I'm mellow and calm and very forgiving. Then I didn't forgive anything at all. And when I'm here I see my brother being the same way I once was and I start to slip back into that type of mentality. But I can't do it like I used to because I have become a different person and so I feel like I'm half-way faking my life while I'm here. I don't know if I'm coming home next year for Christmas. It hurts too much and I do nothing but cry the whole time.

Growing Up

I know now that I am entirely naive. For some reason I failed to realize that I will not always have something in common with my family. That's not really essential to us loving each other because that goes without question...but as far as being able to carry on an intelligent conversation we are all at a loss as to what to talk about. I can't sit here and discuss ideas with my family like I can with my friends. I can't talk about who I date. I can't talk about my religion. It's like I'm stuck here having no option except to have smalltalk with these people who were the centers of my world for a long time. I was once so close to these people and now I feel like I don't know them at all. It's very strange because I feel like family has a different definition because it is not so much who you are related to. My family is now the people I choose to keep around me all the time. My family are the ones I turn to in order to make my world right. I realized that I grew up today. It was a sad moment for me and had quite a bit of bittersweetness to it. I suppose we get used to having to put on masks and fulfill roles for those we are related to but that does not truly make it any more correct to my way of thinking. I feel as if I try to live my life in such a way that I am not ashamed of who I am to anyone in my life. I understand now that I will continue to live my life and I will continue to be myself, but I will slowly begin to weed my family out of my life. That saddens me a lot.