![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
There is a wall hanging at the bazaar that I want. I mean I *WANT* it. *sighs* But I'm not going to get it. There are actually two that I want. And the guy offered me a fantastic deal. 125 Euro for both of them. But I don't have anywhere to hang them and I'm trying to save money, so no. *blech*
But it did make me feel good to look and walk away. I went over all the debt that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
elvnsword and I have. It isn't as much as I thought it was. We are in much better shape than I had thought. I've paid my credit card down to a little less than $1400. Our STAR card has a little less than $2000 and his card has about $5600. So we are in fairly decent shape. As long as we keep paying on things like we have been and not charging, we'll be just fine. I should probably take my cards out of my wallet, but considering how rarely I use them, I'm not so sure that's necessary. And I just have to say that I am starting to panic less and less about money in our world. I know that right now we have more money than we are used to or will probably make again while in the army unless elvnsword gets deployed again.
I'm worried about my relationship with money. In so many ways it is what means safety to me. I don't know how to move past that. When I was in college, I worked hard to not have bills that weren't school related. And what little money I did make, I sat on as much as possible. Somehow I felt more secure then when I only had $40 to my name each month than I am managing to feel now when we have significantly more. We are saving at a steady rate of over $200 a month straight into savings or the money market account. That may not seem like much, but it is a pretty decent chunk of change considering that it's roughly ten percent of what we make a month whenelvnsword is not deployed. And since he's been deployed, I have been putting more money into savins and the money market account. We are planning to start putting about $275 a month in each. Couple that with the larger credit card and student loan payments we've been making and plan to continue.
I know that we are stable. I know we are. Even when we go and spend more money than we should on stuff we don't need, we still end up ok. I wish I could get over the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that the money isn't enough. I wish I could feel more secure about money. I worry because if we are this secure and I'm still terrified, when will we ever make enough money? I'm not sure I can see a time. Maybe this will all change when we pay off our credit cards and don't carry any sort of balance from month to month. Maybe then, when we can put over $500 in both savings and the money market account, I will feel secure. But somehow I doubt it. I think there is something broken inside of me. It makes me afraid of being poor. It makes me afraid, irrationally afraid, of being homeless.
Maybe that fear isn't completely irrational. Whenelvnsword lost his job right before we got married, things were pretty tough. We were scraping the barrel to come up with rent money. He was unemployed for a month and we had to worry about food too. We lived off of my student loan payment from the fall, which wasn't much, my savings, which were under $300, and the measly paycheck from Berea that was about $120. Plus there was the gas and all the other bills. In that month, I saw the possibility of ending up without a home or a place to go. And that terrified the crap out of me. I remember how hard things were for xuth when he lost his job and was unemployed for almost a year while we were dating. It was a huge strain to our relationship because of how much it stressed him out and because of how emotionally draining it can be to help someone put back together their image of themselves after they lose a job. Losing a job isn't just a simple matter where you have to go and find a new paycheck. There is a process that one goes through. There are the questions and the blame. Beyond this, there's having to face losing your job every single time you go to try and get a new job. And being the lover of someone who has lost their job means helping them put back together their sense of self-worth. When you lose your job, it can feel as though the world is telling you that you aren't good enough. And that whatever work you did, it wasn't enough to justify keeping you on.
I wish money weren't so complicated in my world. I read books about how to invest and ways to choose investments. I read books on writing budgets and sticking to them. I try to follow through on these ideas. I can't seem to invest, partly because I'm afraid of failing. Money is such a security thing to me that risking it in any way terrifies me. Even though I know that I have researched the few investments I had been interested in to death. And watched them for months to see how the perform. It doesn't really matter. Because in the end, it boils down to being afraid.
How does one stop being afraid of money?
But it did make me feel good to look and walk away. I went over all the debt that
elvnsword and I have. It isn't as much as I thought it was. We are in much better shape than I had thought. I've paid my credit card down to a little less than $1400. Our STAR card has a little less than $2000 and his card has about $5600. So we are in fairly decent shape. As long as we keep paying on things like we have been and not charging, we'll be just fine. I should probably take my cards out of my wallet, but considering how rarely I use them, I'm not so sure that's necessary. And I just have to say that I am starting to panic less and less about money in our world. I know that right now we have more money than we are used to or will probably make again while in the army unless elvnsword gets deployed again.I'm worried about my relationship with money. In so many ways it is what means safety to me. I don't know how to move past that. When I was in college, I worked hard to not have bills that weren't school related. And what little money I did make, I sat on as much as possible. Somehow I felt more secure then when I only had $40 to my name each month than I am managing to feel now when we have significantly more. We are saving at a steady rate of over $200 a month straight into savings or the money market account. That may not seem like much, but it is a pretty decent chunk of change considering that it's roughly ten percent of what we make a month when
elvnsword is not deployed. And since he's been deployed, I have been putting more money into savins and the money market account. We are planning to start putting about $275 a month in each. Couple that with the larger credit card and student loan payments we've been making and plan to continue. I know that we are stable. I know we are. Even when we go and spend more money than we should on stuff we don't need, we still end up ok. I wish I could get over the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that the money isn't enough. I wish I could feel more secure about money. I worry because if we are this secure and I'm still terrified, when will we ever make enough money? I'm not sure I can see a time. Maybe this will all change when we pay off our credit cards and don't carry any sort of balance from month to month. Maybe then, when we can put over $500 in both savings and the money market account, I will feel secure. But somehow I doubt it. I think there is something broken inside of me. It makes me afraid of being poor. It makes me afraid, irrationally afraid, of being homeless.
Maybe that fear isn't completely irrational. When
elvnsword lost his job right before we got married, things were pretty tough. We were scraping the barrel to come up with rent money. He was unemployed for a month and we had to worry about food too. We lived off of my student loan payment from the fall, which wasn't much, my savings, which were under $300, and the measly paycheck from Berea that was about $120. Plus there was the gas and all the other bills. In that month, I saw the possibility of ending up without a home or a place to go. And that terrified the crap out of me. I remember how hard things were for xuth when he lost his job and was unemployed for almost a year while we were dating. It was a huge strain to our relationship because of how much it stressed him out and because of how emotionally draining it can be to help someone put back together their image of themselves after they lose a job. Losing a job isn't just a simple matter where you have to go and find a new paycheck. There is a process that one goes through. There are the questions and the blame. Beyond this, there's having to face losing your job every single time you go to try and get a new job. And being the lover of someone who has lost their job means helping them put back together their sense of self-worth. When you lose your job, it can feel as though the world is telling you that you aren't good enough. And that whatever work you did, it wasn't enough to justify keeping you on.I wish money weren't so complicated in my world. I read books about how to invest and ways to choose investments. I read books on writing budgets and sticking to them. I try to follow through on these ideas. I can't seem to invest, partly because I'm afraid of failing. Money is such a security thing to me that risking it in any way terrifies me. Even though I know that I have researched the few investments I had been interested in to death. And watched them for months to see how the perform. It doesn't really matter. Because in the end, it boils down to being afraid.
How does one stop being afraid of money?
