Haven't Posted Lately...

The weekend was long and mostly fun. Just doing lots of the random. I played a lot of CoH/CoV. I went downtown with Black on Saturday. We went to the farmer's market. I bought some good German brown bread and some smoked sausage. I also picked up some grapes and strawberries. Black bought a huge bouquet of flowers for the house. It had daisies, roses and tulips in it. It just looks amazing. We made some great pizza for dinner on Friday.

elvnsword is on night shift this week. So I'm trying to get my chores done quietly so as to let him get some extra sleep. I'm debating on whether I should wake him up in a half hour or so and feed him or not. I have no idea what I should feed him though as I really need to go grocery shopping. I haven't gone yet.

I'm considering joining this website online that is pretty low priced and emails recipes with shopping lists to you every week. It sounds interesting and has lots of different options. One of the menu selections even includes ingredients for healthy snacks and meals to eat throughout the day, not just the dinners. I'll have to talk to elvnsword and see what he thinks. He volunteered to start helping cook dinner two nights a week if I go turn in my substitute teaching application.

I know. I said I was going to turn it in two weeks ago. The reality of the situation is, though, that I feel like I need to negotiate how elvnsword and I are going to change our chore agreements and the like before I actually apply. I don't want to end up in a situation where I'm working and doing all the cleaning because I will just snap and go all Psycho Hosebeast on him. I'm trying to be more realistic. But negotiations are, by definition, tedious and require time.

Anyhow, I had better go water the plants and see about figuring out some lunch. Be well everyone.

Confession...

So I printed off some sample recipes from the website that are full of veggies and fresh ingredients. What I'm having for dinner: Pepperoni Hot Pocket. It's totally not my fault. I spent huge amounts of time gabbing with the ladies at the FRG meeting and got home exhausted. I have prepped over half of the veggies I bought and such...and I just can't handle looking at another veggie right now. I just heard the ding. So I'm going to enjoy. Mmmmm...forbidden HotPocket.

Emotional Outpouring

I wonder if when you aren't here and I have this whole big place to myself if it will feel like this. I wonder if when you are gone and I know you aren't coming back for months, if I will still be on eggshells waiting to hear your key in the door. I wonder if this beginning of missing you is just going to overwhelm me like it is now and leak out the corners of my eyes. I wonder if I'll hear any human voices in real life when you're gone. I wonder if I'll call my mom every day to keep my sanity. I wonder if I'll drive the cats crazy wanting affection. I wonder if checking my email will ever become as excruciatingly exciting as checking the mail used to be when you were gone before. I wonder if this tightness and the pain in my throat will go away. I hope I figure out how to breathe soon. I hope I remember to eat and stuff. You won't be here to ask me and sometimes when you are gone I just get lost inside myself. I wish this didn't sound so dependent and like I'm dysfunctional without you. I hope I don't forget how to put up with your socks all over the house when you are gone...we both know you aren't going to stop doing that. I don't think I'm ready. I'm not sure I'm ever going to be. How can I possibly make Moonlight Cookies without you there to make faces at me? This is just all so hard. Every single song; every thing on tv...absolutely everything makes me think of you. What if the cat falls out the window again? Who will talk to me and calm me down? How do other people do this? None of this is easy...I wish it were easier. Wow it feels better to just let the emotions flow out. What if you die? What if you get hurt? How do I face that? I know...I know. Smile now and cry later because crying now distracts you and makes it harder. Wow you are so brave. I don't think I could do it. It's so scary staying here behind and waiting. Politics just make me angry...I can't watch the news when you are gone. What if you come back like he did? What if it ruins my life? What if you don't love me anymore when you come back? What if you become someone I don't like? What if I can't do this?