Femininity vs. Masculinity

I have never viewed myself as particularly feminine. In fact, that seems to be something that my mother has discouraged in me. But I never truly saw this as a problem until my women's studies class. Suddenly I am faced with the fact that every quality I see within myself that I admire I associate with being masculine. For some reason I think certain emotions are weak and so I rebel against them.

Crying is the bane of my existence at many times. I struggle so hard for people not to see me cry because I feel as if it makes me appear incapable of taking care of myself. Why is it that I feel like self-sufficient people don't cry? Why do I feel as if adults don't cry and by allowing myself to cry I'm being childish? Why do I try to hide my feelings of hurt and loneliness from everyone around me?

I am a dominate person. But somehow in my personal programming I decided that in order to be dominate I had to be masculine. And so I feel lost as if I must forsake everything that is pretty and girly in order to be in control of my life. I even have two different kinds of soap...one kind is Old Spice and one is scented like roses. I have two kinds of shampoo...one is unscented and one smells like vanilla. Often it feels as if I have two different parts of me warring over what I am going to be. I even see it in my relationships some. When I am attracted to women we are either equal or I am dominant. But with most of the men I have ever been with I have always made myself submissive in my lifestyle. It's never a conscious choice...it just happens. And then I'll wake up next to a man one morning and realize that neither of us are happy because I am not the woman he was attracted to (i.e. strong and independent) and that I am miserable because I am not being myself. I feel as if I'm trying to forsake my womanhood and live a life that is gender neutral. I keep my hair short and hide my body a lot. I often smell like a man and even when I use girl soap and girl shampoo I still use men's deodorant. I struggle to be emotionless in any emotion I deem weak or negative.

Most importantly...I want to stop. I want to find a way to be ok with being a woman. I want to find a satisfaction in myself that I don't think I've really known. I want to look at myself and think that I'm beautiful because I'm a woman not in spite of being a woman.

Oh the Psychic Powers

I was introduced to a new game today...it was a fun game and we all laughed hysterically squabbling over which cards we would win and what combinations we could make that we thought were the most amusing. Of course that all ended when *dum dum dum* we looked at the combinations of the cards we won. I will put down the combination I had and also include my own thoughts and amusing ancetdotes on the situation.

Card 1: Flirtatious-- Ok...so I liked this card. It most definitely is me. I was once told in high school that I could flirt with a brick wall and get it to flirt back. So it seemed appropriate.

Card 2: Scary-- *grins* While I'd like to think this is only me before I fix my hair I do have a few ex boyfriends who could contend that I was indeed scary. It's not my fault they scar easy...

Card 3: Primitive-- So maybe I have this huge fear and lack of knowledge concerning computers...I think they'll eat me...or that they will disappear in this little puff of smoke if I touch them or look in their general direction. I often get nauseous whenever I use them and visions of Kryptonite flash behind my eyes.

Card 4: Dramatic-- Who...Me? Nooooo. I just don't understand where you get that idea from.

Card 5: Boisterous-- *laughs* There's no denying it...I'm loud. I'm more than loud. Especially with the right motivations...

Card 6: Hostile-- Fuck You!