eiblyn | Introspective Posting...

I have been presented with an opportunity...although I'm not sure that's the word for it. I really have to ask myself, looking at the situation, if it's possible to get involved without knowing that I'll get hurt. Of course I'll get hurt. Does it make it more legitimate to go into this situation knowing I'll get hurt? Some part of me has to know if I'm not just being unrealistic. My sister once told me that every person you love teaches you more about yourself and more about humanity. And that if I was lucky, I would love a great number of people in my life. (I've always said that Ames introduced me to poly but after a little reviewing, I realized that my sister, with her own polyamory, laid some serious ground work that made my even considering it possible.) With that in mind, I wonder if I'm not choosing to get involved for selfish reasons? I've been broken a good number of times. I've been through one engagement, a few abusive relationships (both self-inflicted and from the outside) and I'm still here. In fact, I'd say I have a strength now that I never had before these things. So maybe I'm choosing to be involved because I know that I will survive. That no matter how much emotional anguish I go through, I'll still be a person tomorrow. And I'll be able to get things back together. True, the pieces never fit back together in the pattern they originally were, but maybe it was time for the pattern to change anyway. Also, I wonder if I'm not getting involved because I crave the feeling of being newly in love? There's a comfort in older love that I appreciate, but there's an electricity to new love that is...well, it just is. And watching myself get ready to take a swan dive into what may possibly be a 6 ft. pool that looks like 10 ft....well, I'm not sure that's a desirable thing. Does it count that the pool glistens and glimmers, looking entirely too beautiful to be ignored? And that's it's a really hot day right now? I can't say that things will work out like I'd like. I can't say that I'll actually learn from it. I can't say that he is someone I'll keep forever...or even for half of forever. But I think I'll take the plunge anyway. I have to wonder though, where did I learn to be fearless? At what point did getting hurt in a relationship become an acceptable expectation? But I suppose I make that decision every day when I get out of bed. Here's a drink to deciding to learn. Here's a drink to choosing my own heartbreaks. Here's a drink to moving forward, even if it's one step forward and countless steps back. Here's to Temptation. Here's to learning to love fearlessly...all over again.