eiblyn | Poly Stuff

I've been thinking about the way that I do poly for some time now. I know that everyone does poly differently, but I am fairly certain that for me relationships have a sort of heirarchy to their involvement levels, responsibilities and rights. I have been working out guidelines to how I see things and I think I just about have things the way I want them to be. I'm now offering these guidelines up to the LJ world that others may read it and think about how it effects, if at all, their world. I'd like to have feedback of the positive sort...I'm not interested in any sort of flame war or people telling me how I think is wrong. But, suggestions about syntax or word choice is very welcome. I'm sure these ideas will grow and evolve with me and these are guidelines not steadfast rules, but here we go:

Primary Partners
1. Number of Primary Partners
  Each of us will only have one primary partner, which will necessarily be the other. This can only be changed through serious conversation, a trial period and mutual satisfaction.
2. Rights of Primary Partners
  1. To be consulted before a new partner is taken
  2. To be included in serious life plans
  3. To be allowed to veto a relationship outside of the primary couple after discussion and a trial period
  4. To require STD testing of any new partner within the poly pod before sexual intercourse of any nature
  5. To reserve certain aspects of the primary relationship which will only be shared between the primary partners
3. Responsibilities of Primary Partners
  1. To be open and honest about any new or potential partners
  2. To provide responsible and reasonable objections allowing for discussion when vetoing an additional partner or activity
  3. To not require things of your partner that would not be reasonable were the roles reversed
  4. To meet the emotional needs of the primary partner to the best of your ability when it is possible and
    prudent
  5. To discuss relationships that are additional to the primary relationship regularly to insure the primary partner understands the additional partner’s needs and difficulties arising
  6. To be sensitive to the needs expressed about secondary relationships
Secondary Partners
1. Number of Secondary Partners
  This will vary, but should be low enough to insure acceptable amounts of time can be spent with each of the relationships without neglecting any.
2. Rights of Secondary Partners
  1. To be informed when a new partner is being taken or considered
  2. To have issues, fears and concerns heard, acknowledged and taken into consideration
  3. To have the boundaries of the primary relationship clearly defined
  4. To have a clearly defined role in the partners life and time
  5. To be included in the discussion phase of any decision to terminate the relationship due to vetoing
  6. To have personal boundaries respected
3. Responsibilities of Secondary Partners
  1. To openly discuss issues, fears and concerns
  2. To clearly define personal boundaries
  3. To respect the boundaries of the primary and other secondary relationships
  4. To fulfill the agreed upon role in the relationship according to ability and desire
  5. To be honest and clear about other relationships in so much as it may effect mental and health statuses
Tertiary Partners
1. Number of Tertiary Partners
  This will vary, but should be low enough to insure acceptable amounts of time can be spent with each of the relationships without neglecting any.
2. Rights of Tertiary Partners
  1. To be informed when a new partner is being taken
  2. To have issues, fears and concerns heard, acknowledged and taken into consideration
  3. To have the boundaries of both the primary and secondary relationships clearly defined
  4. To have a clearly defined role in the partners life and time
  5. To be included in the discussion phase of any decision to terminate the relationship due to vetoing
  6. To have personal boundaries respected
3. Responsibilities of Tertiary Partners
  1. To openly discuss issues, fears and concerns
  2. To clearly define personal boundaries
  3. To respect the boundaries of the primary and secondary relationships
  4. To fulfill the agreed upon role in the relationship according to ability and desire

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I have called you trying to talk to you but you have been busy. I would like to talk to you about some stuff. I can't earlier than friday now that finals are here but friday or saturday would be nice. Pencil me in.

T

So what, really, is the difference between a secondary and tertiary relationship for you?

The amount of time spent/scheduled for the relationship and the level of emotional intimacy. They both should have similar/same rights and responsibilities though because each of the rights and responsibilities listed here are the bare minimum....kinda the default settings if you will. Of course this isn't an all-inclusive list. Just something I've been working on.

This recently came up in WaterColorBlue's life as well, and I'll tell you the same thing I told her. There's a quote that you might consider meditating upon:

In life, there are no quarantees. From the viewpoint of fear, none are strong enough. From the viewpoint of love, none are necessary. ~anonymous

-H...

Mostly, this is meant to be more of a guide to action than a guide to emotion. While there is one point in there that's referring to emotion (and looking back over it, that point seems to glare out at me and not belong), I'm not trying to limit or define emotional attachment, involvement or anything of that nature. I'm trying to set SOP for different situations. Most of these points refer to specific occurrances: vetoes, boundaries, new partners; these points don't refer to the everday, which I think would suck if it were delineated like this.

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