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Tonight
I entirely owe my existence at this moment to my semi-domestic partner. I have had the most horrible state of being possible for the last few weeks and no one noticed....not a damn one of you noticed. I have been aching completely from the inside for reasons I can't explain. And tonight I thought I didn't want to deal with any of it anymore....but instead we cut my hair. And tomorrow people will tell me it looks like crap or it looks great and none of them will realize what it means to me. It means that I want to live. This time, I decided to cut my hair instead of my wrists...that's an important decision.
And to those fucking bastards who somehow thought I was joking in my state of existence....I wish you could truly know how close you pushed me. I wish you could know how tempted I was to end it and how you helped me reach that conclusion. Because not a damn one of you know anything about me. In fact, I don't think anyone knows anything about me because I don't even seem to know myself. And the number of people who care about me I can count on one hand.
Thank you to my semi-domestic partner Nick. No one else would help me take control of my life. No one else understood the importance. And you got up in the middle of the night to sit and make me feel better. You sat with me until I could breathe again and the world started moving instead of freezing me.
On the way home from Nick's I kept trying to throw up. Actually...I didn't try. My body kept making me retch but there was nothing in my stomach. I just thank the Goddess that there was no pasta in my stomach and I didn't eat what Paul offered me.
And to those fucking bastards who somehow thought I was joking in my state of existence....I wish you could truly know how close you pushed me. I wish you could know how tempted I was to end it and how you helped me reach that conclusion. Because not a damn one of you know anything about me. In fact, I don't think anyone knows anything about me because I don't even seem to know myself. And the number of people who care about me I can count on one hand.
Thank you to my semi-domestic partner Nick. No one else would help me take control of my life. No one else understood the importance. And you got up in the middle of the night to sit and make me feel better. You sat with me until I could breathe again and the world started moving instead of freezing me.
On the way home from Nick's I kept trying to throw up. Actually...I didn't try. My body kept making me retch but there was nothing in my stomach. I just thank the Goddess that there was no pasta in my stomach and I didn't eat what Paul offered me.